Firstly, my country, Namibia, has a very bad history of apartheid. It is also not much of a history as white on black discrimination is still major. Secondly, the Namibian government doesn’t recognize same-sex marriages. Or give gay people any form of support either. Gays are hated here. Thirdly, I am agnostic in a ‘Christian nation.’ Because see, if you dare to say you don’t really believe in the story told in the bible and that you don’t really want to live your life based on it, you will be judged.
I am Gay, Black and Agnostic.
Many black, gay men fear violence, hatred and rejection from their families. In most instances, black families kick their gay sons out of their homes. It is sad really. Personally, I am glad I was outed at a young age and never looked back since. For I am sure I, too would choose to be in the closet. Many at times the pressure from homophobes gets too much and I have to confess, I wish I was not openly gay.
The pressure from white folk hating you for being black kicks in too. Like you have to constantly prove your worth. You have to show that the pigment of your skin does not define you or what you can do.
The real trouble comes when you say you don’t really believe in God. I crew up in a Christian family and as much as I am independent from them, it is hard to tell my family that I don’t believe “everything will be fine if you just trust in God.” My morals and ethics have been questioned by friends, sometimes by fellow gay friends, too. Some say “dude, you are already gay. Now you say you don’t believe in God, your creator?” and “I get you are gay, but to say you don’t belief in God? Dude you have crossed the line!”
My search is the one of acceptance as a black man in society. Acceptance as a gay man in my country and beyond. Acceptance as a agnostic man in a religious world. These seem impossible.
As for being black, I cannot do anything about it. For being gay neither, it is who I am, I can’t change it. For being agnostic, I am a reader and I have read the bible a lot. At this point, science proves more valid than the Bible. Nothing I can do about it.
PS: I have morals, desires, aspirations and dreams like everybody else, my being does not make me different.
As a black, gay, agnostic man people see you as a big black bag of sin. I am not just saying this, someone actually called me a big, black bag of sin. A black person for that matter. Making it sound like I am a disgrace to human-kind.
Frankly, I will not appologize for being who I am. I am not sorry. I hope if you are reading this and you are a black, gay atheist you will not let people get you down. Go on, suck dick, embrace your blackness and believe what you want with the evidence you got!
#MyQueerSky @officialzuleit on Twitter.